Why Parents Can’t Use The Bathroom In Peace!
Parents take certain risks every single day, picking and choosing our battles with our children and sometimes paying the consequences afterwards. “Why yes little one, you can have that extra large cookie even though it’s thirty minutes to your bedtime. You earned it, because you ate such a large dinner and there is no possible way you could eat the whole thing.” Que the bedtime routine which has suddenly become as easy as trying to tame a wild horse in five minutes with nothing more than a blanket, bedtime story and a tone of voice that’s desperately trying to remain calm. Or the first time you trusted your kid with color pencils and about five minutes later everything is suspiciously quiet…Yeah, you know what happens.
You want to know what the greatest risk parents of young children take? Or shall I say the crappiest? Especially the stay at home parents or single ones, where no one is available to keep an eye on the little angels while you step away for five or ten minutes.
Taking a dump.
Yes, you read that correctly! I kid you not, this is one of the most trying times for a parent. For the new mom whose terrified to walk away from her precious newborn for more than a minute, to the experienced mom who suddenly regrets the last thing she ate as she has only seconds to race down the hall. Whether it’s a quick poop that you can miraculously push out in one fell swoop, to the explosive diarrhea that tricks your stomach into thinking you’re done unless you dare to stand up again.
Why is this a risk for us? All you mamas know…Kids are freaking smart, a hell of a lot smarter than we give them credit sometimes. Because it’s these times where the toddlers realize your helpless, chained to a porcelain throne while they wonder just how much trouble they can get away with before you flush.
There’s always the chance you bring your kids with you, locking the door and forcing them to endure the stink bomb while you try to fight them off from peering into the toilet. “Mommy, you’re pooping!” Yes honey, I KNOW. It’s not exactly a surprise to me. But some young kids can already figure out the locks on the bathroom doors. Need I even mention the double trouble if you have more than one child? Many moms would rather spend those five minutes or so in peace while they cling to their phones, browsing social media to keep that connection to the outside world. Or playing a mind-numbing game because you swear if you hear that theme song for Bubble Guppies ONE MORE TIME…
So, you take the risk of letting your kids run wild as you hide in your bathroom trying not to overthink the damage that could be done. With every noise you wonder how much cleaning you’ll have to do or what suitable punishment would work. You loudly threatening a time out if they are doing something they shouldn’t be, only to be met by manic giggles running down the hall because they know they’ve got at least a three minute head start on you.
And then it happens…
How many of you have stepped out of the bathroom to find them emptying every drawer in the house? Or playing with those markers or crayons that you swore was out of their reach? Or eating something they know they shouldn’t be, whether it’s actually food or not? Yeah, we’ve all been there. If you say you haven’t, then you must have the other type of kid.
Oh you know this kid. This is the one that will cry outside the bathroom door because you won’t let him in. The child that shoves her tiny little fingers under the gap of the door while you see an eyeball trying to sneak a peek and you’re sitting there telling her to mind her manners and go play with her toys. The toddler that will spend the ENTIRE time trying to open the locked door handle, refusing to give you any peace until you acknowledge that they need another hug and kiss from you or that you have to change the tv channel because their favorite show ended. If you don’t have this kind of kid, and you don’t have the kind that transforms into a living tornado as soon as they sense that you’re about to crap your pants, then teach me your ways!
The good news is this doesn’t last forever.
One day, you’ll look back on these stories and laugh. It’s hard to say the cliche to “Enjoy these times!” But the truth is, one day we’re all going to realize that we wished these were the only battles we’d have to choose. Someday they will be hiding in their rooms refusing to spend time with us as they waste all hours of the day on whatever new technology exists for them. We’ll be standing on the other side of the door remembering when they wanted to be around us so much that they wanted to watch us poop. And that’s the first argument I’m gonna use whenever my daughter decides to tell me I’m too boring to hang out with.
What’s the worst mess you came out to after a trip to the bathroom?